It could only happen in Ireland, and it did. In Donegal to be precise. To be more precise in the town of Buncrana, in Irish "the mouth of the river Crana".

Why the need for precision? The origins of the tale go back a long way, to 1812 to be exact, which is the same as being precise. In that year Sir Robert Peel was appointed Secretary of State of Ireland, where he instituted a police force along the lines of that formed in England. And, as in England, its members were popularly called "Peelers".

As the agent of an occupying power they were resented and were ridiculed for their predilection to prosecute the population for petty offences.

One satirical song entitled "The Peeler and the goat" gained great celebrity, based on a report that the newly minted guardians of the law had taken to seizing stray goats and taking them into custody for causing obstruction on the roads. The lyrics were written by Darby Ryan of Bansha, and to be precise, Bansha is a small village half-way between Cahir and Tipperary Town.

The scene has been set, the history given, and now the tale begins.

It was a day in late September in the year of 2004 when a Sergeant and a Garda, Sgt. David Murphy and Garda Paudge Sweeney, took their place in the annals of criminal activity perpetrated by one angry and agile Irish ruminant mammal, to wit a billygoat, a ram, if you prefer, on a rampage in a garage in the aforementioned town of Buncrana when it had no legitimate grounds for being there.

The maurading animal, for there is no reason to call it otherwise, had broken two glass panels in Faulkner's Garage, dented three doors in a new Mitsubishi Colt, and was engaged in a violent attack on a second car, which it relentlessly head-butted, as the hapless Sgt. and Garda tried to stop the carnage.

Fortunately they were able to enlist the services of a specialist in animal behaviour, to wit, a local agriculturalist, farmer if you prefer, who expertly put a rope around the neck of the malicious malcontent and pulled it from the premises.

The Sgt. and the Garda were later commended for their actions by District Superintendent Vincent O'Brien who said: "He (the ram) tried to pull the wool over the eyes of the local Gardai but they were having none of it."

On further investigation the keen eyed gardai discovered a licence tag on one of the ram's ears, the left ear to be precise, bearing a number, and this clue led them to a local farmer on the Malin Road.

As reported by Harry Walsh in the Irish Independent newspaper of October 1, Gardai said that up to 10,000 damage had been caused to the showroom and cars by the ram, which had an injury to its forehead.

No doubt the whole episode will form the subject of a new ballad, a worthy successor to Darby Ryan's "The Peeler and the goat", whose lyrics are given below.

1. As Bansha peelers were one night on duty a patrolling O,
They met a goat upon the road who seemed to be a strolling O
With bayonets fixed they sallied forth and caught her by the Wizen O
And then swore out a mighty oath, they'd send her off to prison O.

Goat
2. O, mercy, sirs', the goat replied ; 'pray, let me tell my story, O ;
I am no Rogue or Ribbonman, no Croppy, Whig or Tory, O.
I'm guilty not of any crime, petty or high treason, O,
And I'm sadly wanted at this time, for 'tis the milking season, O.

Peeler
3. 'It is in vain you do complain, or give your tongue such bridle, O,
You're absent from your dwelling place, disorderly and idle, O.
Your hoary locks will not avail, nor your sublime oration, O,
For Grattan's Act wiIl you transport, by your own information, O.

Goat
4. 'This parish and this neighbourhood are peaceful, quiet and tranquil, O,
There's no disturbance here, thank God, and may it long continue so
Your oath I don't regard a pin, to sing for my committal, O,
For my jury will be gentlemen, to grant me an acquittal, O.

Peeler
5. 'I'll soon chastise your impudence and insolvent behaviour, O;
Well bound to Cashel you'll be sent, where you will find no favour, O.
Impartial Billy Purefoy will sign your condemnation, O,
And from there to Cork you will be sent for speedy transportation, O.

Goat
6. The Penal laws I ne'er transgressed, by need or combination, O;
I have no fixed place of abode, nor certain habitation, O.
Bansha is my dwelling-place, where I was bred and born, O,
Descended from an honest race, therefore your threats I scorn, O.

Peeler
7. 'Let the consequence be what it will, a peeler's power I'll let you know!
I'll fetter you at all events and march you off to prison, O .
You villain! sure you can't deny before a judge and jury, O,
That I on you found two long spears which threatened me with fury, O.

Goat
8. I'm certain if you weren't drunk with whiskey, rum or brandy, O,
You would not have such gallant spunk, or be so bold or manly, O
You readily would let me pass if I'd the sterling handy, O,
To treat you to a poteen glass - O, 'tis then I'd be the dandy, O!'

9. Come, fill us up a flowing bowl ! we'll drink a grand libation, O,
And toast a health to each true son throughout this grand old nation, O!
We'll toast brave Ireland three times three, with pride and acclamation, O,
May all her people be made free by speedy separation, O !

Unfortunately, almost two centuries later, Ireland has six of its Ulster counties still tied to Britain. But an Irish goat can yet provide a laugh.

Again, as an e-zine linking Ireland and Canada, it should be noted that demand for goat meat, commonly called chevon or cabrito, is growing in Canada. Because of one factor, rising immigration from areas of the world where chevon is a delicacy, the market is expected to increase steadily. It is an export market that may well be worth exploring by Irish goat producers.

In 2003 Canada imported goat meat to the amount of $3,4561,905 from Australia and New Zealand, and already in the first eight months of 2004 some $3,396,084 worth. Imports of feta cheese, made from goat's milk, totalled $6,257,373 in 2003. Principal exporting countries were Italy, Greece, United States, Bulgaria, Denmark, and Israel. (Statistics courtesy of Agriculture and Agri-Food Canada).

For the myriads of readers who have become entranced with this story on goats in Ireland and elsewhere, recent reading has revealed some forgotten, even some never learned, facts.

Goat entrails were used in fertility rites in pagan Rome, foraging goats were blamed for damaging forests in Europe, goats were of importance to national economies and financial policies, notably in Peru, and last but not least, there is a highly recommended website dealing with goat farming in the Burren, one of the natural wonders of Ireland located in Clare, and accessed at http://www.burrenbeo.com/goatfarm.htm

Hoofnote: If I never have to write another word about goats until the day, or night I shuffle off this mortal coil-one can never be precise about the exact time-I shall die happy.

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